My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
In America we eat man semen.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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