Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
