Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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