I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
