I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
