She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
