new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
