You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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