My balls are so social today.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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