Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
where am i from again
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
