I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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