Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
