what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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