If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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