Well douche your snatch and let's go!
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
