90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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