he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
