my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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