She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
