I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
