he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Randomize
