when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
