Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
