Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
