Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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