Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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