What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
