So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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