yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You have to summon your inner elephant
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
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