the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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