Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
