im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
