So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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