i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
