Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
