sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
