just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
