Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
