Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
