how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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