The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Ladies don't puke and tell
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
