Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I am mentally ready for anal.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
