I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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