dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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