I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
