I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
