I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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