Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
