Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Randomize
