just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
