What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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