So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Someone shattered a urinal.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
