sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
