You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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