she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
