if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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