i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
