Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
