he wants to bone in the snuggie
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
