I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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