So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I will pee on everything he values.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
