she smelled like a LAN party
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You ever have a fart follow you around?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
