apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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