If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
